Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Mental Health Hotline

Hi Everyone, I thought you might get a laugh out of these. Enjoy your day!
Thanks for visiting my blog,
Love ya,
Janet :)

The new answering service greeting recently installed on the "Mental Health Institute Hotline"

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

"Hello, and welcome back to the Mental Health Hotline!

"(We know when it's you!)!"

If you have amnesia, press 8, and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Some Funny Thoughts :)

A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and give them to everyone else.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The measure of a man’s intelligence is inversely proportional to the amount of time he keeps his mouth open.

Barbie Comes Of Age!!

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

3 comments:

  1. Those were too funny Janet.I think I like Barbie the best.

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  2. Thanks Russ, those were my favorite too LOL! Have a great weekend :)

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  3. ROFLMAO Those are fantastic!!

    ReplyDelete