Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Feelings,They Will Wait

Hello, I came across these words by an unknown author and it's as if they were speaking to me. It's just what I needed to hear at this time in my life. Since my brother in law, who is 56 yrs young was diagnosed with Terminal Cancer, I have had a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings like I use to. I think I'm sort of in numb mode. Then just a couple of days ago, my sister called to tell me her husband who is 59 yrs young is having serious issues with his heart and it does not look good. Both of these guys have been my brother in laws for over 25 yrs, so they are more like my brothers. Death has been a part of my life since I was 23, losing my Father at the age of 53, but there seems to be a little too much of it since 2008 and up until 2 yrs ago, I didn't deal with it the way I should have. I use to drink the pain of loss away. Since 2008 the people that I lost were mostly young in age too, one of the best friends I ever had, gone at 59, a close family member at age 52, and along with them two, I lost my Mother and Mother in law 5 months apart, now it's coming around again, only this time I don't want to run, or turn to that old behavior, because they are so right when they say, you can waste years running from them, but your feelings, they will wait! I do know one thing about myself now though, I know I am a stronger person than before, so I'm sure I'll get to the same place as this person did with their feelings, I will learn to feel them and not be afraid. I hope this helps any of you who are learning to face your feelings in a new way as well.
Thanks for visiting,
Janet

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Are there feelings you're afraid to feel? Are there feelings you'd go to just about any length to avoid feeling? Feelings you'd use substances or have meaningless sex or binge and purge or injure yourself to avoid feeling? For me the answer is about 99% no. I say 99% because every now and then, my anxiety or stress will become intolerable and I'll purge or restrict or whatever because I can't or don't want to deal with it head on. We all have those days when we just can't DEAL. But what if that's every day? What if it's all day, every day? Certainly, that's a problem. I have certainly been there. What I learned over the course of many years of trial and error and therapy is that no matter what you do to avoid those things you don't want to feel, whenever you stop with your avoidance behaviors, those feelings are still right there where they always were. Damn it. DAMN IT. You can waste years running from feelings you're sure will go away, if you just avoid them long enough, but I can assure you, they will wait as long as you can run. It's really frustrating. I wish I had figured that out a lot sooner than I did. I learned, through therapy, that the feelings I was so terrified of-- grief, panic, rage, loss, pain, joy, hope-- those feelings I thought had the power to take me down psychologically where I would go irretrievably mad, were actually tolerable. Unpleasant as hell, but survivable. And I came out better on the other side. I just didn't trust that my brain wouldn't overwhelm me, but instead would release those feelings in manageable bursts. And now, I actually relish every feeling that I have. I don't mind crying, I'm not afraid of hurting or looking stupid or being afraid. I faced the worst feelings inside myself and came out stronger. My physical self has nearly died, and I now welcome any feeling that reminds me I'm still here, still alive, still human. So please, try not to be afraid of the intensity of your feelings, and try not run from them through self-destruction. Remember that our emotions are what make us human and fully alive, and that no feeling lasts forever! You will survive. ♥

2 comments:

  1. Dear Janet, I am sorry to hear of your brothers-in-law. I will keep them in my prayers.
    It is a difficult time for so many right now. This blogging world has brought many of us together. It strengthens us though a unique bond of connecting.
    I lost my Dad when I was sixteen and my mother at twenty-nine. They were young and I think of them everyday. It is a quietness that enters your life and never leaves. You try to have the same enthusiasm but someone is always missing.
    I get through with faith. I am a 1 1/2 years into a divorce after 30 years and I have gone through many feelings, anxiety being one. I am t I am surviving, through faith. If I did not have faith I would crumble.
    I keep strong and know the Lord will be there for me. I understand how you feel. It is difficult loosing loved ones. I get through knowing I had people who were very wonderful in my life and left me with good memories. That is more than most have. I am blessed. No one can ever take my memories.
    I sometimes take Scarlet O'Hara's advice and worry tomorrow.
    I will keep you in my prayers. I am happy that we met in the beautiful world of blogging. It is a blessing for us.
    Take care my dearest. Catherine xo

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    1. You are so dear Catherine, thank you so much and I agree that we are lucky to have met eachother in the blogging world. I appreciate your prayers and your advice, I will take it because it is very good. I will keep in mind that I am very lucky to have had these people in my life and that I will always have the precious memories we made together. I'm sorry for what you have had to endure with your divorce and with your Parents. I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I will pray that you keep as strong as you have been. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your story of loss with me, it truly has helped me a lot today,
      Hugs and blessings to you,
      Janet :)

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